odduckling

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 17:31:32 GMT

haha no i take that last entry back. she messaged me. she's pretty cool

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 04:42:49 GMT

once i have the time and energy to print this journal out i will fucking burn it to the ground

and smile

Maybe I should stop talking.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 04:32:52 GMT

Cause its so bad when you say things that will bite you in the
a s s
later. This journal is as dysfunctional and choppy and disorganized as i am.

I dont know what happened this weekend.

It seems as if time flies by, and then school comes again, and i become a little closer to that knife on the kitchen table and
maybe one day
ill have enough courage to stab out my eyes.

and i sound like mr oberst

Today i was supposed to hang out with dana and k dawg but nobody called.

So i just kinda went to the train station with chris and tried taking pictures.

Too bad there are so many nazis in this world telling me that i am a terrorist. Those pictures were for osama!

Bitches.

Oh god how i wish i wasn't such a

whats that word
akward beast.

and how i don't care anymore about becoming closer to people. you know?
I really want to, but i always feels out of place. Always.
I want to see Charlotte more.
But her life is oboe and brent. we could be such great friends! again.

i always feel like throwing things but i never want to make noise.

school sucks suck sucks shitty shitty schoolopia

Sun, 02 Jan 2005 23:42:45 GMT

I think I am going to teach myself guitar of drums. Seriously this time.

I bought all these CDs and I am totally stoked. Joan of arc (2 albums) Make believe, owls, shins (oh inverted world), desparecidos, belle&sebastian, q & not u, sky carvair... and i copied a bunch of my brothers's stuff and found a lot of albums i thought i had lost. I don't know where I'd be without my music.

I can't wait.

And I finally bought that wallet from Urban Outfitters- tbe "magic" one. Oh and it matches my lovely jacket...

Eric's mom knitted me a wonderful pink scarf....

And this New Years was the best one ever. I had so much fun. Oh god it was awesome. <3

I love all of Eric's friends.

Life really isn't so bad. I'm looking foward to the new year.

I'm a complete jumble of random thoughts and fragments.

Jamie cut his dreads and we went together and got his ear pierced today. Then I drove to Oma's and we discussed my Germany trip. It will be so much fun. I have second cousins there who are a year younger and a year older than me, so I will have some girls to hang out with. They know english pretty well, so I won't have to use my schleckt deutsch alle uhr. And I bet that wasn't even correct.

I regret not doing a lot of things last year, and I wish I could redo a lot.

But you can't go back in time. And senior year is pretty rad.

Chris you called me I saw, but I'm going out to dinner with my family pretty soon.

P.S- My mom is still completely insane. But I have been offered refuge- and not only from DYFS.
LoVE YOU XOXooOXX

Rock on. peAceeeeeeeee.

And there is no time for bitchy people anymore. I'm sorry you don't like me.

I like you.

B o r i n g

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 16:05:51 GMT

Look at yourselves and your pathetic lives! Wake up from whatever nightmare you have formed inside your head! It is time to live! To breathe the truth, the good, and the bullshit this tedious life brings you!

It is time to embrace those fucking tears that make your head swell and makes your heart twitch! Love every shitty little formless blob of anguish that falls down your face and laugh at it!

I'm so tired of this place and that feeling inside that [for lack of better words and I know its cliche] is empty.

I want it to be filled with the people around me that I know can be wonderful. I know they can. I know each friend can pile up into that tiny space inside me that will make be breathe again.

But nobody tries. Nobody cares. Everyone wants to die. Everyone wants to leave this shithole place in New Jersey where all it has is bad weather and where all you can go for refuge is a diner twenty minutes away to drink coffee and cigarettes.

I've never been one for alcohol or drugs- and now I'm not one for ciggarettes (or trying my damned best not to be) and I wish everyone else wasn't either.

I wish everyone else wasn't so concerned with what he or she thinks (even though you say you don't care what they all think about you- though you know you do).

I wish people didn't have to wear certain clothes or listen to certain music to be friends with the people you enjoy being around because they make you feel good. Instaead those people are pushed away because they are not "one of them".
I wish everyone was more accepting of eachother- or maybe just me.

New journal.

Wed, 24 Nov 2004 04:05:18 GMT

http://www.livejournal.com/users/egoconfessions

So- crying in the car turned out to be an extremely good thing.

Tue, 23 Nov 2004 04:13:31 GMT

Things are fixed.
My tounge is burnt from the soup I created.
I won't get xbox live until christmas.
I

Phone is ringing.

somebody I don't feel like talking to.

Anyway.

I can not wait until the camera is fixed.
Uhh
I am so tired.

4 applications have been sent.
I rock.

I keep procrastinating
this Art History homework
won't go away.

Reality is the one thing where if you stop believing in it

FUCK the phone again.

I was invited to party, but I can't because I have school tomorrow. Damnit. Damnit I hate school.

Anyway,

Reality is the one thing where if you stop believing it, it won't go away.

But today was a great day. you make me happy. i love making window paintings in the fog of your car.

that sounded like really crappy poetry.

today, or recently, has been fragment day.

ART HISTORY DO IT KRISTEN DO IT

Wanna hear something fucked up?

Sun, 21 Nov 2004 15:19:35 GMT

So you know that guy I that I said looked like Chris Malecki in the independet film I was in?
Well I had to put the film on my acting resume before I sent it to a college, and my mom stole a part of the script that had the information of the title,producer,etc. so I could use it for my resume.
Well that guy I sat infront of who I said was cute but I didn't know who he was? His name was on the pamphlet so I thought I'd look it up. Well, his name is Ryan Donowho, and this guy is in all these movies and look at who
he "Often Works For:"

Emile Hirsch
Mickey Rourke
Sigourney Weaver
Alberto Vasquez
Sissy Spacek

And he has worked with:

Colin Farrell
Madonna
Michelle Williams
Clive Owen
Don Cheadle
Tomas Milian
Sarita Choudhury

How fucked up is that? Colin Farrell, Madonna, Sigourney Weaver? Crazy!

And he talked to me! Dreamy...
and he kept drumming obnoxiously on the desk behind me with his hands... well now I know why! - "Ryan is famous in the streets and subways of Manhattan as a bucket/drum player."

Okay sorry I got a little too excited.

OH! God! And he's in a band with "Michael Pitt" who was in "Dawson's Creek," "Hedwig and The Angry Inch," and "Murder By Numbers."

SO
insane.
I wish
I could smell
that lousy
stench of cigarettes
on me
now.

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 02:24:22 GMT

Shut the fuck up and grow up.

Damnit, you really tick me off.

This is just the beginning...

Thu, 18 Nov 2004 03:52:43 GMT

I am overly sensitive
I am too emotional
I stand up for what I believe in
I am not afraid to yell at people I don't like
I will stand up for those that can't stand up for themselves
I am vulnerable
I am paranoid
I am constantly lonely
I don't care about being "popular"
I can be a drama queen
I am not afraid to punch you in the face if I hate you enough
I get walked all over
I forgive easily
I have a disfunctional family
I think too much
I over analyze everything
I either care too much or don't care enough
I am always worried about the future
I am always myself
I am extremely insecure
I have the worst short term memory (I just burned a bacch of cookies because I forgot about them)
I still get horribly upset over things that have happened a long time ago
I don't lie
I hate being lied to
I hate people that hurt me intentionally
I get stressed out easily
I have the worst ADD ever
I go through really hyper phases
I go through really mellow phases
I hate when people ask me "what's wrong"
I hate sympathy
I love everyone until they give me a reason not to
I strongly dislik Chris Malecki
I dislike Monique Moriera
I don't care about what people think of me because I will never see most of you ever again after we graduate
I am scared of death
I believe in some sort of higher power- just don't know what yet
I find myself having crushes on people even though I shouldn't
I hate when people don't listen to me and look me in the eye when I talk
I think that there are a lot of good and bad people in the world- unfortunately, most of the bad live in Hunterdon County
I feel bad for my brother
I feel bad for my mom
I feel guilty a lot
I don't have much patience for people I don't know
I have intense road rage
I hate letting others drive way too fast
I hate deer
I hate people who pull out infornt of me and cut me off only to go under the speed limit
I hate winter
I love snuggling
I love surprises
I love boys (most of the time)
I'd definately rather have a boy friend than a girl friend
I consider myself to have 'boyish' tendencies
I recognize that most people are worse off than myself
I hate George W. Bush
I hate war
I get really emotionally at the thought of death
I love art
I love poetry
I love photography
I love music
I am disorganized
I can never keep my room/car clean
I don't treat my parents as well as I should
I procastinate
I have been in love once
I miss that feeling terribly
I believe in soul mates
I am scared of dying alone
I miss that comfort/security/happiness
I get sad very often
I often feel like no one understands
I think the only person I ever loved betrayed me
I hate dancing with a large group of people
I hate singing in front of people
I am akward a lot
I love being at home alone
I put myself before others because my happiness matters
I think I'm more mature than others think
I care a lot about the world and current issues
I try to learn all that I can but it is hard for me
I am always tired
I am always cold
I am always hungry
I don't think I will get accepted into a college
I am looking foward to getting the hell out of here
I am going to miss Hunterdon County if I go to college
I love my Oma a lot
I miss my Opa a lot
I love myself

Most of the time.

I honestly don't care. Actually, I'm kind of relieved.

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 01:06:17 GMT

I wish I was at the fucking Bob Dylan concert.

I did my last essay for Chapman, finally. I won't get in. I wish I could.

I think I will go make some clothes.

My fatigued eyes are burningggggggggg

Mon, 15 Nov 2004 05:27:47 GMT

Halo 2 is AMAZING.

OH God.
I've played so much that every part of my body hurts for holding it in an akward position. I sitll hear the sounds of the Needler through my head. I feel like I am in a video game, everything seems funny when I don't look at the television.

I love you, Daddy, for spoiling me so much.

I wish I wasn't so into Halo that I had to miss Ali's party. I am such a moron. But I was so tired, and it was so much fun....
I knew that I would either have to get drunk at the party to have fun, or snuggle with boys. I couldn't/didn't want to do either, so I thought I should stay home.

Yawn...

Oh, the filming was okay. I was sitting infront of the main character in a classroom scene- and I was so excited because I thought I was going to be on film the whole time.
Turns out that the bastard director moved me right before they started filiming to the opposite side of the room. I'm going to be in the movie for two seconds now.

But the main character was so cute. He had long rown stirngy hair, those yellow and brown Van shoes, and awesomely awesome vintage jackets. He acted like Chris Malecki and kind of looked like him too. But this boy was much cuter. Yet he reaked (sp?) of ciggarettes. I am glad I quit. I mean, I have one every once in awhile- but no pack a day routine anymore. I am glad that I am not harming my body anymore :)

I am going to regret not sleeping right now during school tomorrow.

Eric and I are fine again. Our way of bonding is by playing video games together. <3

No I'm kidding. I let anger get the best of me.

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 03:22:10 GMT

I like you all. Or, some of you. Hm. Shoot. I really don't like a lot of you. In fact, I really, really dislike most of you. I am a "flip-flopper."
Actually, I should like all of you- because the only ones reading this are people I like.
But I really hate most of my classmates.

That was very pointless to say, and very Kristen of me.

From now on, lunch is my favorite class. I have fun with people I like.
Tonight I was happy, I am glad you went to a late dinner with me. I am glad we had a pretty long phone conversation.

My entries are too brief. I know this was my third entry today, sorry for being sehr lahm.

I need to start writing poetry again. Maybe right now.
But I will just end up watching CNN Internation News and then fall sleep. YAwwwwn.

And my plans for friday aren't ruined.
And I'm excited to be in an indepedent film.
Another thing to add to my resume.
I am sorry to my Oma and Cousin Laura that I probably won't be able to go to church with them and then see The Incredibles because of the filming. I really am. I will try my best to keep my promise.

I feel really guilty because of.... my feelings.

I should just delete this. I am too exhausted to make any sense or feel any real emotion.

Oh Fuck.

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 22:20:40 GMT

Well that sucks. I have to be there at 7am Saturday morning, which means I don't miss school, and I can't go through with my fucking plans tomorrow night.

God damnit.

I hate you all.

11/11... Should have been my two year anniversary today. Strange.

Thu, 11 Nov 2004 21:53:45 GMT

Tomorrow and Saturday I go to Bayonne to be an extra in an independent film. That should be interesting. I am excited... but I really should not miss another day of school...

I don't know what is happening with Eric and I. I thought I wouldn't get too upset if we were to break up because it seems like things aren't as strong as they should be. However, this morning I felt horribly sad about it. I guess it's my fear of being alone and my easy attatchment to people. We definately should be closer by now... I still get scared to call him. I still feel annoying if I say/do certain things. I still feel like we are two completely different people. How come a month ago I thought I was falling in love with him?
He confirmed he felt the same way though. He said, "It seems like we have hit a brick wall."
I don't want to be alone right now- but I feel annoying asking him to hang out with me.
What the heck is wrong with me.

Why were things so easy and comfortable with him ?

I am looking foward to some plans I have this weekend, particularly tomorrow.

CoLLEGE! PLEASE! cALIforNIA! AccepT mE!! FUCK SAT SCORES OF 1180. FUCK YOUR 3.5 REQUIREMENT.
I wish I didn't fuck up so badly freshman/sophomore year.

If I had an xbox and Halo 2, I'd so be playing it right now.

Fuck .

Wed, 10 Nov 2004 03:08:25 GMT

I just typed out this mother fucking long deep entry about how I feel towards everything, and because live journal is one big fucking piece of shit- it didn't work.

My mood changed from sad, to livid.

Let me say the gist of what I wrote in my other entry before it miraculously deleted:

I can't wait to get away from the people here, as much as I am sorry to say that, but the people in high school aren't "true" and the ones that are- are the ones that get made fun of.

I'm scared of dying alone, and all I really want in this world is to find that fairy-tale relationship. Like the way it was with him. Except without being cheated on, and without the lying. I wish I was never hurt because it makes me bitter sometimes.
A lot of the time.
I still can't imagine why you would do those things- to someone you really loved. To someone you still love.
To someone who cared more about you than anyone in this world.
Why does that still hurt me?
You are such an asshole,
and yet-
fuck.
You knew me better than anyone ever has.
I think that's what hurts me.
You were supposed to be my best friend.
And what you did still kills me.

This place makes me too sad. The people make me too sad.

I'm ready to get the hell out of here.

Go, Kristen, go!

Sun, 07 Nov 2004 16:18:51 GMT

I am so....

proud of myself.

Whoo hoo!

I forgot to tell you!

Sat, 06 Nov 2004 16:22:46 GMT

Stick-shift driving was freaking amazing!

Oh Kieran, when are we going to do it again?

What goes around comes around, asshole. :)

Thu, 04 Nov 2004 16:12:01 GMT

I don't need to tell you how upset I am about the results of the election. I'm sure you already know.

I bought Hardcore Zen, AGAIN, so I could finish it. I bought it over the summer and I read about half of it. I liked it a lot, but I left it at someone's house. They have not returned it to me. So, I have spent 30 dollars worth of Hardcore Zen.

Last night, at Borders, this old man was conversing with this kid about my age sitting next to me at the cafe bar. He was filling out a job application, and the old man came up to him and started saying random things for about 10 minutes. I started cracking up, and when the old man left, the boy turned to me and said, "Well, that was random". I started laughing and I could not stop. It was hilarious. I'm pretty sure it was the same guy who, in Borders during the summer, came up to me and said, "You are as defenseless as a kitten in a tree".

I spent the night at Jen's sister's apartment. It was alright, except... alcohol puts me to sleep. I'm such a shithead, I can't even get drunk right. I just fall asleep in the middle of the process before anything gets done/fun. I'm so freaking lame. I left early this morning to get a salad and sandwhch from Panera Bread, and returned home in time to clean my room before I go do a bunch of nothing with Eric tonight. I'm Pathetic.

[[Edit]]

You may find that having is not so pleasing as wanting. This is not logical but often true.

I am tired.

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 21:49:09 GMT

I love Halloween, but I wish I had some nice plans. I think I'll go to Kristy's again. Last night was fun. Ummmm.... Ugh.

Okay,
I am going to Kristy's to trick-or-treat with kieran and kristy.
Oh god- this explosion of excitement just took over my body.

Kieran, Kristy, Kristen. Uh.
I think you are thinking what I am thinking.

I don't have any time to sleep.
I can not fucking wait until Rome. I think I want a bumblee bee tattoo.

HAPPY HALLO FREAKIN WEEN...ER

There is an awesome nudist movement on a website I am viewing.

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 20:43:59 GMT

I am strong.
I will carry on
and be brave.

I am me,
and that is the way it will always be,
so I have to learn to like it. <3

I will try to stop being so upset. I will have fun, and love myself- as I do others.

Because you only live once, and what the fuck is the point of living if you aren't going to make the most of it?

So- cheep up, emo girl.
Tonight will be fun.

<3 your new and improved kristen

Kristen- you are a fucking asshole.

Sat, 30 Oct 2004 04:48:32 GMT

Too much poetry.
Too many metaphors.
Just cut the crap and
get to the point.

I am the master of being vague.

I'm having the same problem with Eric that I had with Tom. A problem of mine I had forgotten about since I haven't been in a relationship. I get so sad sometimes, I don't talk about it. I can't understand what I'm thinking- so how am I supposed to explain it to someone else? God-
Emotions suck.

What am I saying.. I don't mean that. I'm so sorry for being self-conscious. I'm so sorry for making the week end badly, when we had such a great one together. I'm sorry that I "shut off". I'm sorry I feel so guilty all the time. I don't deserve you, I don't really deserve anyone.. Joni said it all -

"I'm selfish, and I'm sad, now I've gone and lost the best baby that I ever had. Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on... a river so long, I could teach me feet to fly."

Damn me for being dramatic. Damn me for saying how much I suck. Constantly.
I need a boyfriend who I don't hurt. Who I don't feel so ugly in front of, because he's so fucking beautiful. Ugh! STOP BEING SO FUCKING EMOTIONAL, KRISTEN. STOP BEING SO... PREDICTABLY YOU. STOP BEING WHATEVER YOU ARE THAT MAKES YOU SAD, GUILTY, AND INSECURE.

STOP IT.

Fucking hell. I need other people to tell me that.

But- really- I feel so bad about tonight. I wish I was not so insecure about myself. I'm scared of falling in love with him & sometimes, I just want to be in love with him.

SHut up. HSUtr uO up SHUT UP SHUt up. I bet other people read this, and they say, "Shut the fuck up, stop being so dramatic, you pussy little bitch". That's what I am..

I am a pussy little bitch.

[I feel so .. dirty.. using that word]

Cuddlefest 2004- give me all the hugs I need to make me feel better about everything.

I changed my mind.

Fri, 29 Oct 2004 03:22:08 GMT

I really am/was not jealous. I did half-mean the things I said though, prior to that. You're such a wonderful person, but you do such terrible things.

I'm excited for my halloween weekend. I'm overly tired. Eric and I napped today; I could have slept for hours. I can not wait to see all those pictures we took. You're such a pretty model. I'm sorry that the first time was better than today, because I am totally just, sometimes.... I can suck. I'm sorry for making it less-fun. Thank you for making me food. You are my favorite boy ever.

Again, I have so much work, but I really don't want to do it.
So I don't think I will.

I'm looking foward to sleeping.

<3 the most unamusing person,
kristen

I really am just one big mess.

Wed, 27 Oct 2004 03:51:12 GMT

I guess being complex as I am, is better than being simple and boring. I wish I understood myself. The more I know, the more I know I don't know.

Today was just a weird day, full of nothing. Then, towards the end of the day, I became a big grouch. I am so irratble when I come home. I always say how much I hate my family, because I honestly believe I do sometimes. Then I get upset at night, because I feel guilty for saying/showing those emotions. I hate myself for believing I hate the only people in the world who geuinely love me.

I just made myself tear.

Wow.

That hit me.

I hate, or at least act like I hate, the only people who love me.

Why is that? We hate the ones that love us, and love the ones that hate us?

I suck. Maybe because my "time of the month" ended today, I will become... happier.

I hope.

Jesus don't cry. You can rely on me, honey.

Tue, 26 Oct 2004 03:11:14 GMT

I've been listening to that song on repeat.

Tonight was extremely emotionally. Extremely. I cried with every muscle I have, that's how bad it was. You know, when you almost start to shake violently? And you make these pathetic whimpering noises, subconsciously. And you try to catch your breath because it is hard to breathe, but your stomach is... spasming too much. That was deep.
Anyway, I cried today in front of Eric for the first time, and I felt like an asshole. I hate crying in front of people. I'm weak. I finally told him my family situation, which I haven't said on LJ so you probably don't know what that is, but it took a lot of courage/trust.

Then, I had to come home really early- and I am grounded tomorrow. But I left after the whole crying spasms, without telling my parents, and I felt like I was drunk at the wheel. Very disoriented. I wanted to go to Kellie's.. but I feel too guilty. Besides, my car smells like food and I don't know why, so I was embarassed, and I'm afraid to be tempted to smoke cigarettes, and I feel like I bother her with my problems too much, and I didn't know if I would make it alive. I ended up sitting in the McDonalds parking lot, drinking a coke for a good 30 minutes, while my parents called constantly to see if I was alive. They felt bad, which they should have. They really know how to make me feel lousy.

This was a long entry.

I snuck to Eric's house again, where we spooned. It was really comfortable. I talked to him about the Do-you-think-it's-silly-to-be-in-a-relationship-when-we-are-just-going-to-go-to-college-soon? talk. He said no.

I had been wanting to ask him that for awhile.

I wish I stayed at the party... Sort-of.

I don't trust myself. I'm vulnerable.